I used to be a well of useless information. I’d hold pointless facts about movies, music, books, TV shows, obscure childhood moments, bizarre elementary school dreams, and tossed-off conversations as if my life depended on it. Need to know about the short-lived TV series Automan starring Desi Arnaz, Jr? I’m your guy. What studio did Ratt record Out of the Cellar? I got you. A dream I had Thanksgiving morning, 1982 that involved some Muppets and Butch from The Little Rascals? Sit down and I’ll tell you a tale. How do fractions, Algebra, or Geometry work? No idea.
I guess it’s just a matter of what I want to remember, more so than what I’m able to remember. I want to remember useless pop culture reference from Sid and Marty Krofft, The Brady Bunch, and some obscure film with Dennis Weaver from 1974, as opposed to the Pythagorean Theorm, Ancient World History and who the 13th President of the United States was(it was Millard Fillmore. Thanks Google.)
But at the age of 52 -53 in December- my wealth of useless(and even some useful) knowledge is dwindling. I was trying to remember the name Freemason today and I had to tell the guy I was talking to “What do you call someone that lays bricks?” It’s like a game of Pictionary without the pictures anymore when I’m trying to pull words up. I used to remember all the members of every crappy hair metal band I listened to, but now I get Ratt and Dokken confused. With the exception of Don Dokken, George Lynch, Warren DiMartini and Stephen Pearcy(and Robbin Crosby, who died of AIDS.) My parents would call at random times in the evening and ask me, “Hey, what was the name of the guitarist in Crossroads?” “Jack Butler, played by Steve Vai, mom.”
I think my hard drive space has finally reached its limit, and in order to remember things like when to eat, when to leave for work, the names of my children…I’m having to delete some of that long-gestating info from the 70s and 80s. I’ve always prided myself on all the crap I hung onto in my brain. One persons useless information is another person’s mental gold. So when I can’t answer random questions my parents call and ask me at 8pm on a Tuesday, what good am I?
I guess remembering the name of every grade school teacher I had isn’t primo knowledge…(Mrs Delp(Kindergarten), Mrs. Frank(1st grade), Mrs. Hammaker(2nd grade), Mrs Cox(3rd grade), Mrs. Krevinghouse(4th grade), Mr. Teeple(5th grade), Mrs. Cook(6th grade),…but then again who’s to say what’s primo knowledge? Okay, let’s be honest this more of a mental illness than primo knowledge. I’m sure those teachers names will be the next to go in my mental library. And that’s okay. Because remembering anniversaries, passwords for work, what time to pick up the dog from doggy daycare, if I turned off the oven, to take my meds, and the best route to get home are more important.
Wait…what was I talking about?
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I felt this post in my bones. My soul. My frontal lobes and in my record collection.
I can still tell you the names of all the members of The Almighty who recorded the first three albums(Ricky, Floyd, Stump and Tantrum, later joined by Pete Freezin who had a bit part in Wayne’s World. First album producer Andy Taylor from Duran Duran), which films were in the Warner Home Video Terror Vision VHS widescreen range (among them Frankenstein Unbound, Dracula, Stephen King’s IT and Salem’s Lot) and which Freddy movie had The Fat Boys (4 The Dream Master) on the soundtrack and which one Dokken (3 Dream Warriors)
But it’s slipping man, it’s slipping away. And where I parked my car? Mystery
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Oh man, I’m glad I’m not the only one losing all that fantastic well of questionable knowledge. And at least twice a week I have to think twice about where I parked my car at work.
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