Random Thoughts: Part Two by J. Hubner

more thoughts... randomly being thought.
more thoughts… randomly being thought.

I remember one summer I was invited to go to Bible School with Bitey and his older sister.  We didn’t go to church at our house.  The only time a Hubner entered a church was for a wedding or some sort of dinner after a funeral.  Anyways, my mom was tired of my overactive imagination and critiques of Days of Our Lives, so she sent me to get some “old time religion”.  Bible School wasn’t much different to me than church on Sunday, Tuesday, or Thursday.  The only noticeable difference was that the folks that “taught” Bible School wore jeans instead of slacks, and jean skirts instead of dresses.  The most exciting part of this whole adventure was at the end of every “school day” we were served punch and cookies.  But if one thing could get me excited about the Lord, it was candy.  Those Jesus folks knew how to get a soulless little punk like me learnin’ about the Lord.  If you memorized a Bible verse and said it out loud in front of everyone you were given a candy bar of your choice.  So I went home and studied and studied this verse.  I was determined to get that candy bar, come hell or high water.  I think it was just a ploy, cause I did indeed memorize their bible verse, yet they never chose me to come up and “testify”, as it were.  What a scam.  A Snicker isn’t worth that humiliation.

I think I was the only 7 year old that knew the lyrics to Ozzy Osbourne’s “Suicide Solution”.  If I wasn’t, I’d hate to have met that other freak that did.

My parents took my brother and I to the Drive-Inn when we were kids to see Superman.  The movie that played before Superman was Food of the Gods.  It was this piece of crap about animals and bugs growing really big and eating people.  How they grew big I can’t recall.  All I know is that it scared me so badly that I had nightmares for a week.  A few years ago I happened to run across the movie on some channel.  I watched about 10 minutes of it and couldn’t believe how incredidbly dumb it was.  And I also couldn’t believe that it gave me nightmares for a week.  I could sit and listen to “Mr. Crowley” at ear-shattering volumes with no problems, but Food of the Gods made me crawl into my parents bed for a week.

I once had a dream I was friends with Butch from The Little Rascals.  We were playing at the YMCA, having a great time.  Can’t recall what we were playing, maybe tetherball or kick the can.  One thing I definitely remember about the dream was that he was in black and white.  Everything else was in color, but he was in black and white.  We were running out the front door of the YMCA when Professor Bunsen Honeydew grabbed my arm and said “You ain’t no man but a man.”  Not sure where he was going with that.

I was a bit of an athlete as a kid.  I was the captain of our paper football team.  No finger and thumb goal post could stop me.

My dad was a hell of an artist.  He probably still is, though I don’t think he’s drawn or painted anything in years.  When he was 17 he’d planned on going to The Art Institute of Indianapolis after he graduated.  But instead of going to The Art Institute he got enrolled in a Journeymen Apprenticeship at R. R. Donnelley & Sons, a printing company that was founded in Chicago and had recently built a factory in Indiana.  He started there in July of 1964, a month before he turned 18 years old.  He is still there today, retirement looming just a year away.  Though he never made it as an artist, he did make it as a man that remained dedicated to not a printing company, but to his family.  He did keep up on his art for several years too, as he used his 9 to 5 as a source of inspiration.  I can remember him sitting at the kitchen table painting watercolor masterpieces of various annoying co-workers and foremen picking their noses, or in bizarre conversations with Peanuts characters.  I think he took inspiration from Charles M. Schultz, as several of his drawings and paintings had a Schultz flair to them.  But looking back now the distorted caricatures of his unliked and annoying coworkers seem to be more rooted in the twisted world of R. Crumb,  though my dad would say no way.  I seem to recall a “Keep On Truckin'” t-shirt in his wardrobe.

One of the coolest things I can recall as a little kid was The Star Wars Christmas Special.  One of the saddest things was re-discovering The Star Wars Christmas Special a couple years ago on Youtube, here and here.

To be continued…

6 Replies to “Random Thoughts: Part Two by J. Hubner”

  1. Ice cream convinced me to hop on the church bus when I was a kid. My mom was so pissed off when I went to VBS. I thought it was because she was Buddhist. It was because I was lactose intolerant and she couldn’t make anyone understand not to give me dairy. But I had to have a lactose intolerant kid and then imagine what it must have been like for my “no speak English” mother to have a kid that didn’t care if ice cream gave her explosive diarrhea, didn’t mind it at all.


    1. Oh man, that’s horrible! Your poor mother. The evils of VBS just keep revealed around every corner. What’s next? An “Ammo for Verse” program?

      Damn bible thumpers.


      1. They don’t mean to leave scars. Or maybe they do. I hope you don’t think of that verse every time you think of a Snickers bar.

        And I really hope Count Chocula doesn’t make you recite it in Helllllllllllllll


      2. Now that I’m a parent all I think about when I see a Snickers bar is cavities.

        “I’d rather laugh with the sinners than die cry with the saints”, or in this case, I’d rather eat Count Chocula than ever go back to VBS. Not even the devil is that cruel.


  2. If Bunsen Honeydew ever appears in my dreams, I will seek professional help. Odd, though, how music, as important as it can be, doesn’t drill into everyone’s nightmares. My worst music-listening experience was Slayer that gave me a headache. My parents may have had nightmares.

    I’m curious to hear more about Bitey. We’ve had a debate in our household over how such a name came to be. I really hope the actual explanation is much more mundane.


    1. Someday I will reveal the true reason behind the nickname “Bitey”, for it is quite a fitting alias and a gripping tale to boot.

      I’m not sure what my worst music-listening experience is, but I’m sure it’s somewhere rooted in 90s modern country music.


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