I go in tomorrow morning to the Cardiology Dept of Parkview Regional Medical Center and have my 2nd echocardiogram. The first was on on April 4th and revealed that my heart had lost 20% of it’s pumping capability thanks to unchecked hypertension, caused by both my lack of regular check-ups and an extremely stressful period at work.
I’m not going to give work stress ALL the blame, as my blood pressure would have come to a head eventually. It may have arrived in the form of a deadly stroke or a major heart attack and then that would have been that. I’m lucky in that it was a gradual decline of good health; no energy, fluid build-up, shortness of breath. It all came to a head April 3rd, and I made the only decision I could have made which was to go to the ER.
VERY thankful I did.
From then to now it’s a night and day kind of situation. From not being able to walk to the mailbox for fear of hyperventilating, to just yesterday walking over 13,000 steps and 7.5 miles on an after work walk. It’s been a miraculous recovery and I owe it to my wife for laying out the ugly truth and the docs that took 5 days to get me on the right mix of meds. In all seriousness I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this good in my life. I lost 40 lbs back in the early 2000s and I felt pretty good then, but this is more than just a physical feeling. It’s a mental one.
Prozac has done wonders in regards to rewiring my brain. I was always so worried about taking mental health pills, as if they were going to completely change my personality and make me some dulled version of who I was. The only thing Prozac has dulled is my overall fear and anxiety in regards to life. Work doesn’t stress me out anymore, and for the most part life doesn’t either. Sure, I’ll feel some anxiety when it’s absolutely necessary. That’s usually when worrying about my wife and kids, or my parents and my few close friends. I want the best for everyone, but I can’t control it all. Sometimes you just need to let it go and what life presents…it presents. I figured that out lying in a hospital bed while urinating out 60 lbs of fluid into a plastic pitcher.
I’m not worried about the scan tomorrow, just maybe a little anxious. As good as I feel I can’t imagine that there hasn’t been improvement in my heart function. As much as I move and walk and am active, I just feel like there’s some improvement. Have I gained all my function back? I have no idea. But even if there’s a 10% increase that’s a start.
It might be that when I have the heart cath on Sept 3rd they might need to put in a couple stents and that might help me gain the rest of my function back. I just know I have no control over these outcomes. There’s not a test I can cram for and get better results, unfortunately(I was a horrible test taker, anyways.) I just need to continue on the path I’m on; keeping active, low sodium diet, keep taking meds, and just live as healthy of a life as I can. Keep doing things that make me happy and stay creative and keep my mind engaged in art and the world.
I’ve realized over these last few months that I want to be around as long as I can. In those dark months of early winter I really thought, well I guess if I make it to 65 that’s something. I was feeling that bad that mid-60s seemed like a good spot to call it quits. Not that I WANTED that, but just how things were progressing I didn’t see a really great future stuck in the house not wanting to go anywhere. I should have seen that as a sign that something was medically wrong, but without the Prozac to lift the fog I was stuck in this cycle of fear and defeatism would have just continued. I don’t know who that scared guy was, but he’s gone now. Unfortunately he didn’t leave before inflicting some damage, but that’s something I’m just going to have to live with.
Today is my dad’s 80th birthday. I’m thankful to be here to celebrate it. We’re taking him and my mom Saturday to our favorite Mexican restaurant in Fort Wayne. He doesn’t know that all of his grandkids, kids, kids-in-laws, and one of my best friends and his wife will be there waiting to greet him. That’s something I would never want to miss. And while 6 months ago I didn’t see me making it to 65, let alone 80, I want to make it to 80 now. And I think I can.
Like the little engine that could…I think I can…I think I can…I think I can.
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