Sinking In

Despite dealing with some poison ivy itchiness(chaos), this past weekend was really nice. We had all of our kids home and under one roof, with their significant others. Along with my wife, parents, and myself, our 23-year old that lives at home with us had the day off and our four-legged grandkid Celeste, it was a lovely few hours on Saturday. The temps were in the upper 60s with a nice breeze. We all sat out back for a bit before heading in.

The original plan was for me to grill some chicken and burgers and do some sides, but my Weber is nearly 20 years old and rusting away. I was going to buy a new one for the occasion, but then thinking about it I realized I didn’t really want to spend half the time over the grill while everyone else got to sit and visit. So I decided we’d have our favorite Mexican restaurant cater the meal. Chicken fajitas, steak tacos Mexican-style, rice, beans, and a couple different salsas. I also made some walking taco salad and grabbed some tortilla chips. My oldest and their girlfriend brought some watermelon which hit the spot.

Everything hit the spot.

When my parents first got there my dad and I sat at the kitchen table talking small talk. Out of the blue he says to me, “I’m sorry if I’m staring, but you look like a completely different person.” I sort of shrugged and said, “Well, I feel like a different person. A much better person than I was two months ago.”

In the moment the comment struck me, but not enough for me to keep thinking about it. But the next day I was on my morning walk and it really kind of sunk in. I DO look completely different. I changed my appearance in an extreme way in just 5 days. From a bloated, fluid-logged 272 lbs to a thin, hollowed-out 212 lbs. All my clothes are too big for me. I’m buying t-shirts just so I have some stuff that doesn’t hang on me. I found a pair of my son’s jeans in one of the spare closets that don’t sag, but are still big around my waist(that’s what belts are for, natch.) All of my winter clothes are waaay too big on me, as well as my coats. I’ve got two light jackets that I’d gotten too big for that I can wear and a couple pair of pants with sinched waists.

My dad sees me nearly every weekend on Saturday morning, so he never really noticed me getting bigger. Same with my wife. My wife had a similar experience a couple weeks ago. We drove over to where our daughter works in the evening to drop something off to her. She took the dog in with her and I waited in the car. When she turned around and saw the vehicle, at first she didn’t recognize me. She literally thought someone else was in the car. Then it dawned on her it was just a much transformed version of her husband.

I started thinking about myself and how it would feel to see my son transform from one size to another between the times I saw him. I know it would shock me. Or any of my kids for that matter. I’ll be honest, there have been a couple times since all of this has happened where I’m like, “Is this a dream?” I would have dreams a lot where I had long hair, or I was a much thinner, svelte version of myself. Flowing, long, naturally curly hair like I had when I was in my 20s. Wearing clothes my “big-boned” body could never wear. Then I’d wake up and feel my nearly bald head and flabby mid-section and be mildly disappointed. I’m not body shaming myself, but when a dream feels that real you can’t help but be just a touch disappointed.

There have also been times when I’m walking around and hear a beeping; maybe a truck is backing up, or the forklift at work and the beeping echoes through the building. Or I’m in a store and I hear the checkout beeping as it rings up someone’s groceries, and the thought quickly races through my mind that maybe this all is just happening in my head. This is all some elaborate comatose dream and the beeping is some machine next to my hospital bed keeping me alive. That I never left the hospital and I’m still there, bloated and fading.

It’s a pretty dark thought, I know.

But that’s how my brain works in conjunction with my imagination sometimes. Believe me, I know I’m not on life support at Parkview Regional in the midst of some existential, Jacob’s Ladder-type of fight to stay alive. I’m alive, and quite well. Bizarrely enough I did lose 60 lbs worth of fluid weight in 5 days. I’m forever changed; physically, mentally, and emotionally now. But now that I’m over the initial thankfulness and overwhelming relief to be out of the hospital and continuing to heal, the weight and heft of my dramatic(traumatic) transformation is sinking in.

As well as my appearance, the thought of never having another day like Saturday with family is a hard one to imagine. I am so very thankful for that day, and for the others we will surely have together in the future. Hopefully for many years to come.