Long Winter

Winter usually doesn’t affect me mentally. I don’t get the winter blues or anything like that. If anything, I just get tired of how gross the outside becomes; ground and roads muddied from melting snow and ice, brown grass, and all the debris that falls throughout winter in the yard that I’m too lazy to pick up when it’s 15 degrees. By February I’m already thinking about spring and the first lawn mow of the year.

But this year it’s more than ugly yards and filthy roads. I feel like since December I’ve had this gray cloud over my head. My anxiety has been more prevalent, like a daily thing…or every other day thing. I get that muscle tightening in my gut that tells me “It’s coming”. I’ve had plenty of sleepless nights and disconnected days at work. I am blaming work for the bulk of this, but I also think it’s me beating myself up for not staying consistent with my exercise and daily movement. I feel locked up in my own brain, listening to echoes of complaints and a myriad of reasons I should be pissed off at the world, yet none of that is good advice. It seems to just be this negative loop that won’t stop till I agree and wade in the negativity and spite, as if there wasn’t enough of that out there already.

I’m nearly over that cold virus I’ve been tapdancing with for almost two weeks. What it left in its wake big old mental potholes, and me not wanting to do much out of fear I’ll backslide back to feeling like garbage. The anxiety is a bonus I guess.

I have these extended stays with anxiety once in a while. It’s a few days to a week of that feeling of uncertainty, as if you can’t slow down and enjoy the quiet moments because you know something terrible is just around the corner. The twisted stomach and pressure head combine to make you feel like you’re drowning on air. It’s not a great feeling(if you know, you know.)

I guess I’ve been in more of a long term stay with anxiety. Since around my grandmother’s funeral in mid-December ol’ Mr. Anxiety has decided not to wander too far away from me. Occasionally popping up as I walk into the grocery store, or even as I’m walking into work in the morning. It’s been pretty annoying. I can at least recognize when it’s starting up so I can kind of put the brakes on and give myself some time to back out of it. And talking to people about your anxiety helps. I don’t feel so alone and as much of a freak as I usually feel. I feel like if you talk to someone about it you’re pulling just a little bit of anxiety’s power away from it.

I didn’t want this to be some kind of “woe is me” post. I’m just trying to pull a little control back into my direction mentally. I’m wanting to find some peace and quiet and maybe do a little mental digging and see what kinds of bones I’m gonna find up there. I got home from work yesterday and had a 20 minute conversation with my 23-year old daughter about mental health and about how I’d been having some anxiety issues. She’s been going to therapy for a few years now and has had her share of anxiety and panic attacks. Her move back home in August and cutting some bad habits out of her life has made all the difference in the world. It’s nice that I can be frank with my kid about my issues.

I’m confident I’ll get thru this mental Tsunami. I have all the help and support I could ever need between my family and friends. It’s just been a lot these last few weeks. I’m ready for quieter days and mellower nights. The first week of August we’re heading up to the U.P. in Michigan for a 4-day stay at a house right on the water. You step out of the back door and there’s a rocky beach which leads right to a vast Lake Michigan. Four days of peace and quiet with my wife and our adult kids and their significant others. Not sure if everyone can go, but whoever can is welcome. 8 hour drive north.

I’m ready for it.