So Damn Hot

With each passing year I’m of the opinion that we as a planet are cruising for a bruising, in the form of overwhelming heat. I had my share of super hot days as a kid in the 80s, sure. We had upper 80s and 90s, and there were a few trips to Kings Island and Cedar Point where by the end of the day I was red as a lobster and had a few blisters on my shoulders to deal with. The summer my parents FINALLY got central air conditioning(summer of ’83) in our house was for sure a scorcher. Between a truly scalding summer wedding and my dad waking up at 2 am to find me and my brother sleeping on their bedroom floor because they had a window AC unit in their bedroom bathroom, mom and dad said enough was enough(I think if we’d suffered in our stuffy, warm bedrooms they would have held off longer.)

But back then, despite the hot sun and oppressive humidity, you could still breathe outside. There was still some ozone left. Now this was was the early 80s, before teenage girls(and the whole lot of Sunset Strip bands) were spraying half a can of White Rain on their hair before school in the morning. When you go out in the sunlight nowadays the heat is so much more oppressive. Even when temps are in the mid-70s it feels 10 degrees hotter. You feel like you’re being beaten down by the heat. There is no equivalency when it comes to winter around here. We have maybe 2 big snow/ice events a year, if that. Mostly it’s pretty above average temps most of winter. And really nothing happens until January. January and February, then we’re on the uptick as far as temps go. But the heat seems to start in May and go clear to the end of September to early October. These are drastic changes from 35-40 years ago. This isn’t cyclical changes. These are complete weather reboots. Meteorological anomalies that are becoming the norm.

The last five days have been wretched here in the Midwest. Oppressive sunlight and breathtaking humidity have been the norm since last Saturday. We drove over to Columbia City where our daughter lives Saturday afternoon to have dinner with her at this new Italian place called Cibo Ristorante. She lives literally across the street from the place. The downtown was blocked off for Old Settler Days. What that means I don’t know. Pretty much carnies setting up dangerous rides for little kids to throw up on, deep fried dough, and way too sugary lemonade. Walking across the street to the restaurant I kept thinking I’d rather be anywhere than walking this hellish Midwest Midway. After the great meal, we stepped back out into the oven that was the downtown to red and bloated faces walking aimlessly searching for shelter in the form of food trucks, knick knack sellers, and storefront businesses with AC.

I’ve noticed this gradual acceleration in summer warmth over the last 10 to 15 years. Summer of 2012 was a real scorcher, one where even shade offered little reprieve. We spent a few days in Brown County, IN at a cabin in the woods. It was a great time, but the heat was pretty unbearable. When we got home from that vacation it felt like someone left the oven door open for about two weeks straight. It felt like a different sort of hot. Like one you’ll never be able to turn down. It’s permanent, and will only keep rising as the years move on.

Last summer was another bad one. What made it worse was our dog was heading into his last lap around the sun. He was much slower, and would overheat quickly. He’d be out there for maybe a couple minutes and would start panting. I’d get him back inside and he’d continue panting for the next hour. I started covering the sliding doors to keep the heat from coming in, and even using the oven he would get hot. Of course he’d follow me every time I went to the kitchen, as opposed to staying in the much cooler living room and he’d sit there panting at me waiting for treats. It got so bad last summer that every time we’d have a really hot stretch of weather I’d have anxiety worrying about him.

Whether you believe in global warming, climate change, or whatever you want to call it it really doesn’t matter. It’s happening, regardless if it’s us entitled humans causing it via destroying the ozone via chemicals or waste; or if it’s just plain old mother nature’s course correction and the inevitable breaking down of our atmosphere. We are on a global rotisserie and we’re getting to golden brown, nearing charred. Original recipe? Nah, we’re going for extra crispy.

I will always go back to being a little kid and going to the Adler Planetarium in Chicago with my family. Sitting in the dark, leaning back and looking up at that giant domed screen as the disembodied voice spoke from speakers, talking about how in a billion years the sun will eventually engulf the earth and turning it to space ash. The visual on that screen was of the sun in the center, slowly growing and engulfing the entire screen. I was mortified and said something to my dad on the ride home from Illinois back to Indiana. “Are we going to die from the sun?” I asked flabbergasted and slightly whining in fear. “Well, eventually the sun will overtake the earth, but not for billions of years. We’re fine.”

Well, if the last 40 years has taught me anything is that the timeline has moved up. Either the sun is going to off us, or stupid humans will.