Just Sad Dreams Lately

I can tell I’m holding a lot of existential angst in me. It’s coming out in my dreams. Been a bit of a kaleidoscope of internal and external noise – real, imagined, metaphoric – echoing in my head and I haven’t quite let it out. You can tamp it down into a nice, small imagined box to hold for safe keeping. Maybe to release at some nondescript time, like at a stop light when someone goes out of turn. Or when the dog barks for the 80th time on a Saturday morning at invisible squirrel ninjas in the front yard. Or during a conversation with your mom on the phone about something stupid your uncle said.

Something like that.

But when you sleep your defenses are down. All the armor and cinder block shacks you built in your psyche to hold – as Stephen King once described as the “bad gunky” – are worthless when you’re in REM sleep and the metaphorical security lights are out. All of the angst, sadness, melancholy, and worry cut through the layers of protection like a hot knife through butter and lay waste to your subconscious.

I don’t remember the dreams in full. Just bits and pieces that feel like an alternate reality where even the mundane acts feel like a European art house film from the 80s. The kind where no one is happy; even sipping a cup of tea is an act of existential dread. But even not remembering them, I can feel a sadness when I wake up. It wears off after a shower and my first cup of coffee, but bits of it remain, reminding me that I may not be dealing with recent changes and events as well as I thought I was. Or thinking about what the future holds in 6 months, a year, or 5 years, and suddenly having a cold charge go down my back. The unknown offering no warmth. It’s like seeing a curtain that is hiding answers and the cosmos, but you’re afraid to pull it back fearful of seeing nothing. Or everything.

So what are these dreams? They’re tiny films of the mundane. Being in unfamiliar homes with familiar faces, having conversations that mirror the real world. I’m not necessarily dreaming of the issues at hand, but the anxiety of those situations turn visits into uncomfortable situations. It’s weird. Kind of hard to describe. I can always appreciate a wacky dream that seemingly makes no sense; walking thru Dracula’s castle from Castlevania, lost in the maze of a furniture store we used to go to when I was a kid(whenever I smell new furniture or carpet I go back to that store and dream), or even the old faithful of being back in high school and not remembering any classes.

These anxiety dreams make sitting in a living room talking to an old friend seem disturbing. And it always seems to be late at night. And the clothes I wear seem not right; like they’re all too small, or I can never find my shoes. Maybe that’s why I connected to that movie Skinamarink, because that whole movie felt like an anxiety-induced nightmare. No monsters that you can see. But childhood toys seem like omens.

So what’s going on in my life that’s causing this? Well, I think it’s just a culmination of things. The passing of time for one. I’ve always felt that whole “time goes by so fast” kind of thing, but the last couple of years it seems more of a physical sensation, not just existential or emotional. Between my youngest graduating high school, as well as seeing the struggles my daughters deal with between emotional, financial, and just the general growing pains. I want to help them as much as I can, without doing too much. Everyone has to feel the bad, as well as the good. But I don’t want the bad to make them feel so terrible that it feels like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. My parents let me figure things out for the most part, but I think it was easier for me 30 years ago than it is for my own kids now.

Things just seem so much more complicated now. You had to leave your house and go somewhere to see other people having a great life while you may have been struggling mentally and emotionally. You could insulate yourself at home. Have four walls to protect you so you could listen to your music, watch your movies, read your books, and take the world in at your own pace. Now, the world is everywhere all at the same time. It exists in every household in every room in every town, city, state, country, and continent at the exact same moment. There’s no hiding from the world anymore. It’s literally in our hands and our pockets 24/7.

I’m turning into the old dude who kind of longs for the days where isolation could happen. Where you could disappear and yet not go anywhere.

We also have my son’s girlfriend living with us. It’s been close to two months ago that her relationship with her mom came to a head. Something happened that could have been tragic and devastating, but it went another way thankfully. My son asked if she could stay with us for just a couple days, just to get a clear head before going back home. That was over four weeks ago. My wife and I have decided that she can stay for as long as she wants or needs. She’s happy here, and we’ve set up clear boundaries for them as well. She’s blended right in with the family. Her mom isn’t a bad person, but they aren’t seeing eye to eye and right now I don’t think there’s any fixing it. Her dad is the one who said he felt it would be a good idea(her staying with us.) There hasn’t seemed to be much communication between her and her mom, so I don’t know where that’s going to go eventually. But for now she’s happy here.

This morning I decided to take our old pooch for a walk. We haven’t been able to lately because it’s been so hot , and the air quality combined with allergies has made being outside horrific. Well this morning it was cooler and overcast, so we got out there. It was nice, and I started thinking about stuff that’s not so heavy.

One of my best friends is coming to town this week. I haven’t seen him in almost two years, so I’m taking Friday off and we’re going to hang out. Hit a record shop, get a coffee, and drive up north to grab some excellent brats to grill for later. He’s up in Bessemer, MI, which is in the U.P. part of Michigan. I think he’s not too far from Wisconsin, actually. It’s a 9 hour drive, so making that very often isn’t really possible. I’m happy he’s coming.

At the end of July my other best friend and oldest friend and I are heading down to Brown County and staying in a rental and hiking during the day in the state parks. Then in the evening just chilling out, grilling, and taking in the fresh air and blanket of stars at night. This is the first time we’ve done something like this and are hoping to make it a yearly thing. We used to get together and put down lots of beer and get stupid. Those days are long gone. We both just can’t handle that kind of thing anymore. We’re no spring chickens. Even just one Sunday every six months is too much to lose from a hangover. We’re both ready to hit some trails, work up a sweat, and take it easy at night.

Another great thing happening is that my son and I are going to go see Queens Of The Stone Age in September down in Indianapolis. I kind of had a love/hate/love relationship with the band. I’ve been a huge fan since Rated R and have loved most of their albums. Then that whole thing with Josh Homme kicking the photographer in the head during a show happened and I thought the guy was an asshole. Well, I guess I can separate the art from the artist just this time. I’m loving what I’ve heard from the new album, and the idea of seeing another great concert with my son is perking me up a bit.

I’m just in a bit of a rut, folks. It happens. It’s happened to me before, and I’m sure it’ll happen again. I’ll get it figured out like I always do. I’ll start letting some of those ghosts out of box so they can move on to the next realm. I shouldn’t hold onto them. It’s not healthy for anyone. Especially me.