Woke up with a buzzing in the pit of my stomach. It was a night of dreams, not good or bad but indifferent. A lot of the time indifferent dreams are worse than bad dreams, in that it’s as if the mundanity of real life decides to invade your dream life. No fantastical worlds or bizarre scenarios, not even anxiety mixing in to give you some high stakes nightmare where giant crabs or workplace violence occurs. Just normal crap happening in an abnormal way.
I dreamt I was starting a new job with my uncle, at his house. I’m not even sure what the job was. I just remember talking to my cousin(his son) in the dream about where the office was. He said it was at the house and in the basement. My biggest concern was that he had a cat at the house, and I’m allergic to cats. Not the fact that he’s like 45 minutes away or that I didn’t even know what the job was. I figured that once I got home after the first day I’d see how I felt after spending 8 hours with a feline and go from there.
A couple weeks ago I woke myself up out of a dead sleep laughing uncontrollably. Shaking, tears running down my cheeks, and laughing as if I heard the funniest thing in my life. I can recall the dream, vaguely, in that I remember seeing something in the dream that was so absuredly bizarre that I thought to myself I need to remember this. I had the forethought enough to think I need to commit this shit to memory because I’ll need to share this once I’m awake. Of course even before I got out of bed I couldn’t recall anything that had transpired, other than me laughing in bed and wondering if I’d woken my wife.
Anyways, I don’t think the dream was the reason for that weird ping in my gut. I think that’s just time marching on and I’m at the back of the line trying to catch up. We’ve got a college graduation coming up in less than a week now and I’m still trying to catch up from last year’s high school graduation. Our oldest turned 22-years old this past Friday, and she spent the weekend with her girlfriend and closest friends hanging out, bowling, and enjoying $4 Long Island Ice Teas. We weren’t with her, but I saw the pictures on social media. Looked like a great time.
If I’m being honest with myself I’m still catching up from four years ago when our oldest graduated from high school. It seems like that just happened, and in the course of what felt like a summer break she’s now graduating college. Yesterday my wife spent the afternoon rearranging the basement, moving her sewing accessories out of our soon-to-be college graduate’s bedroom and into the laundry room so she has something that resembles a room while home and working. It’s a weird dichotomy of feelings; you’re excited that your kids are moving up and onward and that you can have extra space for your interests and hobbies, but you’re also extremely sad to see them go and not be home anymore.
It’s a very confusing time to be a parent, stuck in limbo between being needed and not being needed. And it’s not just us being neurotic, emotionally raw parents. The kids throw those mixed signals at you. One minute it’s “Hey I’m good. I’m an adult now and I don’t need your guidance”, the next it’s a text saying “Hey I feel dizzy and my ears are ringing what do I?” or “How do I mail this package?”. As soon as you get used to them being older and more responsible they throw you a curve ball and you realize they’re not as ready as they made themselves out to be.
I don’t know, I think this is just Monday messing with me. Monday is by far my least favorite day. It’s the start of another work week, and for me it’s work at a place that has an expiration date on it. My workplace is a bag of shredded cheese or a quart of half and half in the fridge very nearly reaching it’s curdle date. It’s hard to be excited about coming in when you know there’s no future in it. “Quit. Go find another job.” Sure, but then I’d miss out on a severance that will make a major difference once I’m out. Like, pay the house off big. Or, take a sabbatical before jumping back into work difference. It’s definitely start over money, so I’ll keep coming in every Monday and do it again and again until I get to work and the doors are locked. Then, only then, will I stop coming in here. That’s just how its got to be.
Here’s to quick Mondays, long walks, and remembering what was so goddamn funny in my dream.