Sitting In The Sadness

The first weekend without our Otto was rough.

My wife and I got out of the house Saturday despite my wife dealing with a cold and my occasional trip into anxiety. The emotions come flooding into my brain like someone opening a faucet. It feels like my head starts spinning despite feeling like it weighs the same as a medicine ball. Spinning isn’t fun when you’re out and about, but I felt it was important we got out of the house at least for a couple hours.

We got lunch in town, and I picked up a couple records at Karma Records of Warsaw. Even the normal stuff has hidden emotional booby traps. We got out of town and bought my wife some really nice slippers to wear in the house, ones with hard soles for her plantar fasciitis. Goshen has Woldruffs, our favorite shoe store. We found her some nice Haflinger slippers, and we both grabbed some nice socks and then headed back home.

Before we left Saturday morning my dad came by. First time seeing him in a couple weeks. My mom came down with Covid the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, so they have been locked down for a couple weeks. She’s improving, but slowly(thanks Covid.) My dad, fortunately, never got it. So when he had the chance to get out of the house and visit he did. He gave us a card for Otto from him and mom. It was very touching what he wrote, and it brought those feelings all back in the present.

Sunday my wife was feeling pretty lousy with this cold(we tested, no Covid), so we didn’t do much. I did go for a 4-mile walk in the morning, and we got our laundry caught up. Had beef stew in the slow cooker so that was nice in the later afternoon. I worked on some music, and then we started re-watching The Bear. That was a nice distraction from the bombardment of memories and surprise tears that seemed to rise up from our chests when we’d least expect; my wife cutting up blueberries for her yogurt, or me cutting up carrots for the stew in the morning. Otto loved blueberries and carrots. He pretty much loved any vegetable cut up. He’d sit by the garbage can looking up at me, attempting to use his powers of telepathy to get me to throw him some cut up carrots. Of course he never had to use his Schnauzer mind control. I happily gave him carrots.

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I’d always try to chase the sadness away when I was younger. Trying to move on from loss and pretend I was just fine. I don’t do that anymore. I want to experience it. I want to live in it and remember how it feels. It’s the least I can do for a loved one I’m grieving. Especially one so special to me like our Otto. I’d always try to hide tears and sadness from everyone. Keep it for just me, which is of course completely unhealthy and counter-productive. The sadness will find you eventually. And if you can somehow lock it in your head, heart, and gut it’s only going to eat at you. Make it’s way from the inside out. Crying, wailing, and feeling those emotions is cathartic. It helps the healing process. Ignoring a wound; be it physical, mental, or emotional only allows it to fester. It’s a natural process to moving on and paying respect to that loved one you’ve lost.

Grief is both a macro and micro thing. Macro in that everyone experiences it. We ALL will eventually lose loved ones and we know it’s going to be hard. Grief, loss, and death are not rare things. They are just as part of the fabric of life as marriage, parenthood, a house and finding a passion for things in the world are.

The micro is how we deal and cope with it in our own way. Letting your heart hurt and come to terms with that loss is your trip. It’s your personal journey. But don’t hold it in and pretend things are normal. They’re not. There’s a hole in your life that cannot be filled with “things”. It’s a hole that will eventually fill itself, like a wound regenerating tissue. They’ll be a scar, one you can feel more than see. A dream, or an old photo you weren’t expecting to see might scuff that scar up, and it’ll hurt momentarily. But you’ll know you grieved them respectfully and gave them the love and loss they deserved. They gave you so much, so the least you can do is breakdown every now and then in their honor.

Many years ago our daughter created an Instagram account for Otto. She thought it’d be cool if Otto went viral or something. I never paid much attention to it, but today I clicked on it. I was afraid to, as I knew this hurt was still fresh and I was going to see my little buddy again after just four days of him being gone. I was surprised by how good it made me feel. I was expecting a flood of sadness all over again, but instead I was filled with joy at seeing my boy, young and brash and full of piss and vinegar. It made me realize just how sick our Pooch McGooch was, and that giving him that eternal peace was the absolute best thing for him. Seeing him doing his backyard sprints, or gently taking a treat from our daughter’s hand made him all that more special to me right now, in this space of sadness and grief.

Am I still sad? You bet I am, and I will be for some time. But today wasn’t quite as hard as the day before. And I’m hoping tomorrow will be just a little bit better than today.