I Do Not Like The Heat

With every passing year and season I’m coming to the conclusion that heat is just not my friend. Granted, last January’s polar vortex certainly made me pine for warmer days(or at least temps in the single digits) but now that we’re currently in a heat wave I’m thinking single digits are doable.

You Florida and Texas cats, how do you do it? Do you just get acclimated to the feeling of a humid surface of the sun? Or is it something you’re born with? I’ve been to both states and they are punishing, both in humidity and straight up skin singeing heat. Indiana can get painfully hot and humid, but nothing like Miami Lakes in August. Or Lubbock in July.

We don’t have blinds over our sliding glass door that leads to the backyard. We did, over two decades ago. But our then toddler liked playing in them and tangled them into a mess. So to thwart her hanging herself in some Walmart blinds and to stop the daily puzzle of untangling strings and strips of fabric they came down. We never replaced them as the kid, and then kids, got older. So to thwart the heat and to keep the house cooler I hung a sheet over the door. It looks like I’m attempting to conceal a crime of some sort, but it worked. Unfortunately it did something to my brain and I felt a cloud of anxiety land over my head. Maybe flashbacks to Covid in November of 2020, or just a general feeling of isolation, but the sheet will come down today, heat be damned!

100 degree heat is awful on a young and healthy dog(or cat, rabbit, guinea pig, etc…), but with elder dogs it’s even worse. Our miniature schnauzer is 13 1/2, so it only takes a couple minutes for him to start panting out there. When it’s this hot you have to watch him go out and do his business then quickly corral him back in before he strokes out. Yesterday I let him out and somehow even not having the gift of sight like he once had he saw a chipmunk running along the bottom of our fence at the very back of the yard and charged out after it like some young punk. I nearly had a heart attack myself as I figured that was it, he’d drop dead. But alas he didn’t. Seemed completely fine as a matter of fact. I still ran out in my socks, picked him up like a child and walked him back into the house.

I used to be able to handle the heat. I could go out and mow, pull weeds, and clean up the yard in 90 degree heat with no issues. A couple summers ago I was out doing that in heavy heat/humidity and as I stood up from pulling weeds I went pretty woozy. Went inside and sat at the kitchen table cooling down and gathering myself. That was the first sign that I wasn’t the young and dumb fella I used to be. I’m just dumb now. Add in the much heavier blanket of allergens and I’m convinced that nature indeed wants to kill me.

You can always layer in the cold. The heat? Well nobody wants to see a middle-aged man in his yard mowing naked. Unless it’s Brad Pitt, or Matthew McConaughey.

Guys, I’m done with hot and it’s only been like three days of it. I’m not sure I’m built for this region of the world anymore. How’s the temps in Scandinavia? Anybody? Switzerland, maybe? I’m thinking Vermont, Maine, or Connecticut would be a good place to retire. We’ll buy a condo so we don’t have to do any yardwork or snow shoveling in the winter, then fresh seafood and produce from a local farmer’s market in the summer. The wife and I can take trips up to Scotia, smoke a joint overlooking the Atlantic on some Maine pier, and enjoy a cup of coffee with a pastry in some quaint town shaded in Maples and Scotch Pines.

I’d take Derry, Castle Rock, or Ludlow over 100 degree heat in the damn Midwest.

Okay, time to put on my fire retardant suit as I head to my car. Keep an eye on your pets, put on some sunscreen, then immediately take a shower and stay the hell inside till this passes.