Friday Check-In : March 1st Edition(Watching The Wheels)

Hard to believe it’s March 1st. I mean, if I’m being honest I’m still trying to catch up from Christmas. The fact that it’s now March of 2024 is kind of insane to me. The last four years all feel like a big, messy blur. Four years ago we were looking at the real possibility of the world shutting down completely, and trying to understand what that would look like. Well, turns out it looked like a bunch of Duck Dynasty-bearded weekend warriors protesting on statehouse lawns in full Call of Duty cosplay(except the guns were loaded) because they couldn’t go to their local Applebees for Friday night rib tips. After the previous four years of hearing the Libs being called “snowflakes”, 2020 truly showed who were the snowflakes.

And it wasn’t the libs.

Anyways, it’s kind of overwhelming to me to think about how quickly the last four years ended up in my rear view mirror. All of my kids graduated the last four years, two of them graduated high school(2021 and 2023), while one graduated college(2022). Now two of those kids are out and living on their own, while the last one has had his girlfriend living with us for almost a year. The changes come quick, and while you’re busy making other plans(you know it, John Lennon.)

There are times when I feel like a relic from another time. I’m still stuck in survival mode, while everyone else seems to be building lives for themselves. Survival mode as in keeping the house in order, planning meals, buying groceries, keeping up on the yard work, and occasionally taking a Friday afternoon to have a couple pints and watch a horror movie on streaming after the cleaning is done. I’ve taken up painting to fill that creative void, and making music is still very much in the forefront of my mind even though I don’t do it often. And of course diving into listening to music is always there. But at this point I still feel like I’m not taking advantage of my time as well as I should.

I get this need to clean and organize and get things done from my mom. She was/is like that. It’s like I don’t have the wiring to just say “Fuck it. Someone else can do it.” I can’t sit back and relax when the house is a mess. Fortunately I’ve got the cleaning thing down to an art and can have the house cleaned up in an hour, hour and a half tops.

It’s a mode I built for myself when the kids were little and my wife was working 2nd shift. We did that for nearly 7 years so we could have more than just my pay check to make things work(even then we barely did), while not having to put our kids in daycare. My mom would help out if there was going to be a one or two hour lag time between me getting off work and my wife going into work, but for the most part once the kids were in school we didn’t have that need.

Despite the house being filled with adults now and no kids I’m still in that mode of taking care of things. I need to rewire the system so that one of those things is me. Sounds kind of ridiculous, but it’s true. It’s hard getting out of survival mode after having been in it for the last two decades. I don’t regret being like that, as my wife and I ended up raising three kids into thoughtful, kind, and giving adults in a whirlwind of domesticated chaos with little to no help from anyone. Our relationship was strained because of it, but we righted the plane before we nosedived well over a decade ago. When money is tight and you start losing who you are as individuals, then people get resentful and lasering that resentment in on those who are closest. Those who don’t deserve it.

So yeah, time has sort of blown right past me. Last week felt like the beginning of 2020. Three months ago felt like 20 years ago. And last year? Hell, I was just graduating high school with the world in front of me. A shiny pearl for the taking. I’m sure in some people’s eyes maybe I wasted that time by not going to college and instead worked in a video store those first couple years out of high school. Then I jumped right into a full-time gig with benefits and was officially locked down as a cog in the capitalist machine. Got married at 23, moved into the home we built at 24, then by 26 I was a parent.

Why didn’t I go see the world, or tour Europe, or follow a band around the country? I don’t know, I guess stability was more important to me than being poor and sleeping in caves or huts with strangers. Even though my wife and I were locked down by a full time job and a house, we still went to concerts all the time. We also traveled to Michigan to hang out on the bluff in South Haven. We had adventures in Tennessee for our honeymoon. We saw countless movies and got a dog in 1997. We hosted ridiculous parties at our house, and I was in a gigging band for the bulk of 1998. We saw loved ones come and go and were an aunt and uncle to a niece. We went through two miscarriages, but still ended up with three wonderful children. I’ve recorded a dozen plus albums of my own music in my basement, sometimes alone and sometimes with friends. I tried getting a degree in HR Management and decided that wasn’t for me.

And since starting this page back in 2011 I’ve made friends across the world in amazing musicians and other writers who are reaching out into the void with their thoughts and putting them to words for the world to share. And since my dad retired at the beginning of 2014 we’ve become considerably closer by having coffee together nearly every Saturday morning.

So, I guess I’m actually pretty okay with how things are. I’m a giver. I want to make things comfortable for others, but I’m not so altruistic that I don’t take care of myself. I give myself records, movies, books, and I put creativity into these weird collages/paintings. And while I don’t make music like I used to, I feel I’ve left my mark musically already with LOTS of albums in varying styles. They’re all me, and they’re there as long as the internet exists for everyone to check out.

Yeah, I think I’m doing pretty good actually.

People say I’m crazy
Doing what I’m doing
Well, they give me all kinds of warnings
To save me from ruin
When I say that I’m okay, well they look at me kinda strange
“Surely, you’re not happy now, you no longer play the game”

People say I’m lazy
Dreaming my life away
Well they give me all kinds of advice
Designed to enlighten me
When I tell them that I’m doing fine watching shadows on the wall
“Don’t you miss the big time boy, you’re no longer on the ball?”

I’m just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go

Ah, people asking questions
Lost in confusion
Well, I tell them there’s no problem
Only solutions
Well, they shake their heads and they look at me, as if I’ve lost my mind
I tell them there’s no hurry, I’m just sitting here doing time

I‘m just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round

I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go – John Lennon