Wednesday Check-In : Feeling It, Man

How’s everybody doing? It’s ‘Hump Day’, which in my world I consider ‘third Monday’. There’s Monday, then second Monday(Tuesday), and then third Monday which is Wednesday. Then there’s Thursday and Friday. It’s been this way since we were told our plant was closing almost two years ago next month. I find Monday and Tuesday pretty much unbearable at work. Absolute slogs of days that seem to essentially sit and spin in the muck of Groundhog Day mundanity. I hate that it feels that way for me, since really days are mere concepts like monetary worth or daylight savings time. Every day is pretty much the same when you work somewhere that has stamped an expiration date on your forehead.

Anyways…

In my mind this is the true start of the week, where those existential and dark clouds in my head begin to clear a bit. Maybe no sunshine, but there’s a peak of blue sky winking at me saying “Weekend will be here soon, so hang in there.” It seems like for the past month every weekend has had some kind of glitch in it. The big one was Labor Day weekend when my daughter’s ex moved out of their apartment and took her dog with him. That was the start of what I’d call a streak of personal glitches. Nothing has gotten to that level thankfully, but something always seems to pop up to put a scratch or two on what I consider the sacred weekend(btw, our court date in small claims is in three weeks to get the dog back.) From stomach bugs to social media hacks to vehicle abnormalities to even a possible Covid scare(no Covid, thankfully), the last four weeks have been one Fresh Hell after another. Yes, yes, I know it could be far worse. But even when life gives me wet willies or trips me for a laugh I take it to heart. That’s just how I’m built; oddly, with a few screws loose.

Like I said, it could be worse. I think I’m just feeling things more intensely than usual. Everything seems to bypass my head and go straight to the heart. Hell, I watched a video the other night where a guy recorded a cat meowing and turned it into a duet with said cat. It nearly brought me to tears, a video of a guy manipulating meows, then adding drums, guitar, keys, and vocal harmonies turned me into mush. I know, I know it wasn’t the video. It’s everything building up and me projecting. It’s me thinking about my kids, now all adults, moving on from their dad. It’s me worrying about my daughter alone at her apartment at night wishing she had her dog back. It’s stepping out of myself and looking back at a time when my wife and I were in our 20s with our lives way, way ahead of us. Now, I’ll be 50 in a little over two months and time is catching up with me. I’ve been over the hill for nearly a decade. I never felt this kind of existential melancholy when it came to birthdays or age, but man I’m feeling it now.

I turned 40 and it felt like a homecoming. I was finally comfortable in my skin, you know? Old soul(curmudgeon) in a young man’s body. Well at 40 I’d finally caught up with myself and I felt pretty good. The amount of aches, pains, and maladies I discovered this last decade put the aging process into stark perspective. And not just the maladies, but seeing everyone else around me age; from my wife and I to my kids to my parents and even the family pooch. It’s all been a little overwhelming these last few weeks and I could use a break from it.

There’s been good as well, don’t get me wrong. But of course my brain concentrates on the not-so good because I’m me and that’s what I do. I have made some major strides in my 40s. I do take time to reflect before reacting. I’m much calmer than I was as a frustrated younger man. My wife has pointed this out a few times. I see my own parents and their back and forth sometimes and I realize I don’t want to be that. I love my parents and a big part of who I am is because of them. But when I see them aggravated at every little thing; from politics to the neighbor shooting fireworks to bike lanes in town I just get tired. Being angry takes so much energy and just tears you up inside – physically and mentally – that at some point I decided I didn’t want to be angry. I talk things out now. Honestly, I feel a hell of a lot better talking out issues.

I guess I’ve just traded anger for melancholy.

Maybe not having an actual vacation this year has done some of this to me. We didn’t go anywhere. I mean, the first three months of the year I was pretty much stuck at work. My work pal was off for three months dealing with a serious health crisis(he’s doing great now), so I was holding down the fort on my own. My wife and oldest daughter took a trip to New York for a couple days back in February/March. They hit Chicago for a Broadway show in April, then in May they went to Tennessee to see Taylor Swift. So at least someone got to do something. I’m fine with them going as I’m not a big city guy. Not anymore. My psyche can’t take crowds, traffic, and feeling small around giant buildings. I did get away for a weekend back in July with my best friend for some hiking and hanging out, but never a whole week away from work and the world like we have in the past. I think I’m feeling a little stunted by that. My longest time away from work was Labor Day weekend, and we know what happened then(dognapping.)

I don’t mean to be a “Debbie Downer”, ladies and gentlemen. This is just where I’m at. I’m okay, I’m just working through changes here that I don’t think I’d mentally or emotionally prepared for. I’m still more comfortable as an older person than I was a younger person, but there’s always growing pains. I guess I’m growing out of the pair of shoes I’ve been breaking in for nearly a decade.

It’s hard to say goodbye to a good pair of shoes. Holes and all.